Smash! Glass breaks. I come running to see what all the commotion is about. There's juice all over the kitchen floor that I had just scrubbed the night before. The first words out of my mouth are “Who did this?” The kids look at one another, trying to blame each other, because no one wants to take the rap. In the meantime the glass is still broken and the juice still needs to be cleaned up. Did it really matter who did it? There is still a mess to clean up.

It's the same with your relationship. So often when situations arise, it's almost second nature to blame your partner or accuse them of, “getting the story wrong, or saying the wrong thing, or not thinking before they did something.”

Sometimes blaming can become a habit, or a thought pattern that is embedded into your daily family life. Sometimes, it's when you don’t want to take responsibility for your own actions that you find something in your partner to blame.

In the past, I had been known to even blame my kids when William was upset with me about something. I would pin it on them because he didn’t seem to get as mad at them as he would at me. Shallow, I know. At that same point in our relationship, William was in a state where everything had to be someone else’s fault and in his mind they needed to be told over and over so they would learn.

Blaming is belittling and does not lead to good communication or problem solving. Blaming will never fix anything.

Your goal is always to work positively and constructively to build or rebuild your relationship, and it needs to be done together. If you are spending your time blaming your partner for what happened you are wasting energy and causing yourself more stress. And who needs more stress? Plus, you'll still have a problem to fix.

Small blaming turns into big blaming. Blaming someone has never and will never fix a problem no matter what it is.

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